It’s been a while since I last wrote to you (almost a year ago in fact, although there is a half written letter I started when you turned 2 lurking somewhere), but as we are approaching some big family change in the very near future, I thought it would be nice to write again.
In the last few weeks of you being an only child, I’m finding the moments I spend in your company ever more precious. You have been so much fun – you make me laugh out loud with your silly voices and hammed-up recitals of some of your favourite books and your ever-growing curiosity of the world (two of your most often used phrases being “what’s that, Mama?” or “what are you doing, Mama?”) make every moment special. Of course, you are a toddler and not every minute is perfect – there are trying times and sometimes we just don’t understand each other, but the good moments far outweigh the less good and the time we have is fun.
Sometimes I find myself wondering how I can love anyone else as much as you, or whether I’ll be able to love you as much as I do now and still love your new sibling. And when I say sometimes, I mean quite a lot. These thoughts are creeping into my dreams where I find myself saying goodbye to you before I go off to give birth and I’m holding you and having a bit of a cry and reassuring you (or me?) that I will always love you *so* much, because I will. It’s a little odd, especially as a few years ago someone once told me I’d end up loving someone (you) more than your father I got very upset at the thought. But maternal love is a strange thing, and it’s amazing how much your heart can swell to accommodate everyone and that is something that I need to remember in these next few days.
I can’t guarantee that being a family of four will be plain sailing, but I hope you’ll never feel totally left out from anything. I think you’ll be brilliant with your new baby sibling, you have a huge amount of compassion for someone so small and I’ve seen it in droves as you give Ian a tender kiss on the nose, or stroke your baby cousin’s hair when he cries, or when I’ve been particularly hormonal recently and you’ve said to me ‘come on, Mama’ and hugged me and found a tissue to wipe my eyes with. I hope you don’t resent me having to be with the new baby so much in the first few weeks and months, but I will try to involve you as much as I can in everything – soon all of us will be having as much fun as we are having at the moment. In the meantime, I will try to find some moments that only you and I can share. You are growing up fast, and while I may seem distracted with Amazertron from time to time, I will always be here for you.
You and I are not reaching an end of an era, but are heading towards the next big adventure, and along with Dada, we’ll do it together.
Your Mama who loves you.